The thing I can’t wrap my head around is the fact that there are people out there in the world who have never thought about suicide. That thought alone haunts me, it makes me feel sick. There is a good portion of the population that has never thought of killing themselves and I find that baffling.
Myself, I think about suicide daily. I have a mental illness, and I clearly don’t have it under control in the way I’d like to. Can you get control of a mental illness? You must be able to right? That’s a dumb question, of course you can, and I am working diligently to get better.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder with abandonment issues, I don’t feel I’ve ever been abandoned, but hey, a psychiatrist told me so it must be true. I’m being facetious, I know it means I fear abandonment. Ask anyone who knows me, I have the biggest case of F.O.M.O. (Fear of missing out).
As for the Borderline Personality Disorder, well it’s a little harder to explain. Here is a little write up from the National Institute of Mental Health that explains it because my way of explaining it is way to cavalier.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behavior, self-image, and functioning. These experiences often result in impulsive actions and unstable relationships. A person with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from only a few hours to days.
I was told by one of my therapists that my ability to regulate emotion is stuck somewhere in my childhood. You might laugh and think that means I cry when I don’t get candy, and if you ask my wife I do that on occasion. No, I’m a 26 year old, I’ve grown up, but it can be so hard for me to emotionally handle situations. All I want to do is laugh, or cry, or get mad, but most of the times I push myself to not do those things, even if the situation calls for it. Other times, I do those things, I laugh like crazy, or I cry like a baby, or I get FAR TO Angry. Living in my head is hell some days.
I don’t have an ounce of self-worth in my body. I’m 26 years old but those songs like Colbie Caillat’s Try or Sara Bareilles Brave hit me so hard because for 3+ minutes I have the courage to be myself. Nothing like song to make you feel better than you ever have, am I right?
I can’t even write about myself here, I can’t say anything good about myself because I don’t believe it. One of my therapists said to me once “What do you like about yourself?” Do you think I could think of anything? Fuck no. I sat there like a mumbling idiot, so she started to say things for me like “Do you think you’re good at reviewing films?” “No I do not”. “Do you think you’re a good husband” “no” “Do you think you’re a good dad?” “No”. I don’t have an ounce of self-worth, but I also don’t think I deserve to have that self-worth. And I am a fucking 26 year old white male, I would have hated to be a teenage girl, with the makeup and worrying about your breast size. My hat goes off to every girl who made it through high school, I couldn’t have. (This is not a pity party, this is just an explanation.
I’ve been told that people with BPD are known for their unstable relationships, didn’t that make me look back on the last 26 years of my life and think of every friend who I know longer talk to. I have a good handful of close friends, who (praise Jesus) have stuck by me even when I’m sure they didn’t want to. I’ve had so many intense and strong friendships, where I’ve thought “I love this person, they’re my best friend and they will be forever” and then two months later they’re just a memory. I don’t know if that is my fault, but I sure as hell blame myself. I want to be everyone’s best friend, I want to learn what people are passionate about, I want to love people, but it’s so hard for me to convey it that I end up acting like a moss covered stump and never talk to that person again.
Impulsive actions? Yea, that also sounds like me. Don’t trust me with money, have you seen the amount of pop vinyl’s I have? I’ll cling to anything that makes me happy, and if I think it’ll make me happy I do it. It’s so hard for me to say no to anything. That impulsivity is scary for someone with such dark depression and suicidal thoughts.
I have a great life, I do, but there are millionaires and people living on the street with mental illnesses. People are constantly telling me to look around at what I have, they tell me I shouldn’t be depressed because of everything God’s given me. Well, that’s a crock of shit. Don’t worry about me. I have support, I’m getting help, and I’m trying. 2016 was hard, and just when I think things are getting better, they don’t, but I’m not giving up, I can’t.
Why did I write this? Well my friends, there are people out there who don’t understand depression, anxiety and all mental illnesses. If you have a broken arm you get help, you don’t hide it, you don’t cover it up because you’re afraid somebody won’t believe you. If you have a broken arm you don’t go to your doctor/parents/significant other/friends, and worry they’re going to tell you to “get over it” or “suck it up”, YOU GET HELP.
Well let me tell you, there a billions of dollars being put into getting help for “people like me”, and if you think “people like me” are just “looking for attention” or “being dramatic” then I’m really glad you read this. It hurts me so much to know that there are people out there committing suicide, and cutting, and having panic attacks, and crying, because they aren’t getting the help they deserve.
If I can be this open, you can get help
If you or someone you know are in immediate danger, call 911 immediately.
For Suicide hotlines in Canada click the link below:
For Suicide Hotline in the United States call the number below:
Thanks for reading