A bad movie is not something to be happy about; a bad movie means money gone to waste, missed opportunity and a chink in the armor that is an actor’s career. I have hope for every movie I see, even if I know it’s going to be bad from the trailer, it’s good to go in with an open mind and try your best to appreciate what’s on screen.
When you see over 130 movies a year, you’re bound to see a bad movie, sometimes a really bad movie. My biggest pet peeve this time of year is When critics release their Worst Movies of the year and put movies on it that weren’t really bad, just actually disappointing. So, I’ll be making my “Most Disappointing Movies of 2013” and I’m actually excited to share that list. \
There were some movies that barely missed my list, for example: Disney’s “Planes“, the Tina Fey/Paul Rudd comedy failure “Admission“, Roland Emmerich’s silly White House Action movie “White House Down“, and the good setup, but poor follow through horror movie “The Purge“.
But for now, let’s revel in and be sad about these ten failures in 2013 movie making.
10. G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Starring: Dawyne Johnson, Channing Tatum, Adrianne Palicki, Jonathan Pryce, RZA, Byung-Hun Lee, and Bruce Willis
There were some good action movies this year, But this is not one of them (Look for my upcoming “Best Action films of 2013”). G.I. Joe Retaliation falls under the category of “Unnecessary sequel”, the first was a critical punching bag and not memorable in the least.
What makes it so bad?: Repetitive action, lacking a story and unmemorable characters makes G.I. Joe: Retaliation slightly more forgettable than the first. Also, no one kills of Channing Tatum 10 minutes into a movie.
Anything good?: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tries his best as always and there are a few action scenes that will keep you marginally entertained.
9. Hell Baby
Starring: Rob Corddry, Leslie Bibb, Alex Berg, Paul Sheer, Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon
The Good news? You probably haven’t had a chance to see this indie-horror/comedy unless you caught it on Netflix one night, I feel bad for you. Hell Baby is a senseless, offensively unfunny movie, it relies on childish humor and raunchy moments we’ve seen before. If it makes you laugh, you may feel bad for laughing.
What makes it so bad? A comedy that’s not funny? You’ve already lost any fan. Wait? Was it supposed to be scary?
Anything Good? Rob Corddry is a sweet, funny guy, you root for him but he isn’t given anything to work with.
Directed by: Gore Verbinski
Starring: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson, Ruth Wilson, Helena Bonham Carter, James Badge Dale, and Barry Pepper
You would think audiences would get something good when you put Pirates director and Johnny Depp back together, with likeable newcomer Armie Hammer and a $250 million dollar budget. But who really asked for a big budgeted remake of the 1930’s radio show?
What makes it so bad? Depp’s doing an offensive Native American accent and he takes center stage, but the movie’s called “The Lone Ranger”.
The action is insipid, many plot points feel shoehorned in, especially Helena Bonham’s gun-legged character. The tone and pacing are horrible, one moment its humor, then action, then horror, war drama, revenge flick, and an odd (almost incest) romance to top it off. Lone Ranger’s bloated and forgettable script makes for a movie that might entertain kids, but parents will roll their eyes quickly.
Anything Good? I love the gorgeous newcomer Ruth Wilson, Armie Hammer is great and he deserves better, and this might be one of the best, and scariest performances by the always great, William Fichtner.
7. The Big Wedding
Starring: Robert DeNiro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, Katherine Heigl, Topher Grace, Amanda Seyfried, Ben Barnes, and Robin Williams
This movie proves a lot of this: Robert DeNiro will take any script thrown his way. Katherine Heigl is in bad movies. Robin Williams stopped trying a while ago. Amanda Seyfried has added one more really bad movie to her list of bad movies (Lovelace, Gone, In Time, Epic, Little Red Riding Hood, and Letters to Juliet).
What makes it so bad? It’s supposed to be a comedy, but it’s completely humorless. It relies on almost every romantic comedy cliché in the book, and it tarnishes the careers of some great actors (DeNiro, Keaton, Sarandon, Williams). The Big Wedding is a Big Disaster.
Anything Good? I might have laughed once or twice, but if I did, it was too forgettable to remember.
6. After Earth
Starring: Jaden Smith, Will Smith
It’s hard to believe a movie that looked so good in the trailers, starring Will Smith and his son, and directed by Shyamalan could be so terrible. I’ve liked a lot of Shyamalan career, even The Happening, and I’ve been hoping for a comeback, not a complete turn in the opposite direction.
What makes it so
boring bad? Three major things: 1. After Earth is actually boring, for a story that seemed like such an interesting idea beforehand, is ruined by a lousy script. 2. You’ve never seen tension so forced and predictable, it’s actually sad. 3. Jaden Smith was a poor choice, anyone else would have been more suitable, maybe someone who could act?
Anything Good? Decent Graphics…
Directed by: Robert Schwentke
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Mary-Louise Parker, and Kevin Bacon
I love Men in Black, and I didn’t think we needed Men in Black 3, but I ended up loving it. Then, I saw this and thought it was a sequel or a bad imitation, I was wrong. R.I.P.D. is its own movie, based on a graphic novel, but plays out a lot like the Men in Black Series.
What makes it so bad? This movies is the opposite of smart, you can feel your IQ levels drop as you partake in the baboonery on the screen. There is about one funny joke in the whole movie, and R.I.P.D. is so predictable you can turn it off whenever you want and know the end.
Anything Good? Well, Jeff Bridges is great as always, he’s basically doing the whole Rooster Cogburn thing again, but we’ll take it.
4. The Host
Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Diane Kruger, Frances Fisher, Jake Abel, Max Irons, and William Hurt
For a long time this was number one on my list, but somehow I saw three movies worse than The Host. I think The Host was trying to be a new Twilight, that was the conversation surrounding it anyway, but why would you set your sights on that? I’m probably not the target audience for this type of movie, but it is a long, boring, and painful experience to get through.
What makes it so bad? I’ve heard from people that I actually respect, that the book isn’t terrible. It actually seems like an interesting story, so why is the script so terrible? Dialogue is dropped like a clumsy hammer, love stories seem fake and brutally lame, and Saoirse Ronan and William Hurt are almost sleepwalking through their roles. I think Jake Abel and Max Irons were the two love interests in the movie, I can’t even remember seeing as every character was less interesting than a Walker from The Walking Dead.
Anything Good? I think Diane Kruger tries(?) but it doesn’t work, if you’re looking for something along the same lines, but good, see Beautiful Creatures.
3. Scary Movie 5
Starring: Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Simon Rex, Molly Shannon, Sarah Hyland, Katt Williams, Jerry O’Connell, and more
I’ll be the first to admit, I really enjoyed Scary Movie 1, 3 and some of 3, as the sequels and spin-offs blew out of control, my hatred for the whole franchise has grown. Now, we’re given Scary Movie 5, a movie with outdated jokes about outdated movies, with outdated actors.
What makes it so bad? It’s virtually laugh free, with stupidity and adolescent humor around every corner. The movie is full of every D-list celebrity we love to hate, and they all know they’re in a movie equal to a pile of cow shit.
Anything Good? Not really.
Directed by: 11 people, produced by the Peter Farrelly and Charles Wessler
Starring: Kate Winslet, Hugh Jackman, Naomi Watts, Anna Farris, Emma Stone, Uma Thurman, Halle Berry, Stephen Merchant, Terrence Howard and a lot more.
The actual back story of this movie is more interesting than the movie itself. Movie 43 is stupid, and there really isn’t another word for it. It’s comprised of several different sketches, all directed and starring different people. Movie 43 was so bad, I thought it might have been the video from “The Ring” and was worried I would die 7 days later.
What makes it so bad? Many of the skits contained in the film are offensive, over the top stupid and completely silly. You feel bad for the A-list stars trudging through the offensive shit they’ve been handed. It’s all just a sad, sad mistake, which should be wiped clean from movie history.
Anything Good? The skit, with Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant, on date start doing playing truth or dare, it gets out of hand and gets pretty while. I’ll admit to cracking up during this skit, and it’s the only reason it isn’t my number one.
1. Grown Ups 2
Starring: Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello, Nick Swarsdon, Shaquille O’Neal, Steve Austin and Steve Buscemi
Adam Sandler, the 90’s were so good to you, even the early 2000’s were decent to you, you should have quit well before 2010. Now we have this shit. I’ll be honest here, the first Grown Ups was decent, and it had an interesting dynamic with the guys and their wives, something almost wholesome and family friendly about it, with some bits of humor. Grown Ups 2 erases any of that and offers up a steaming pile of manure in its place.
What makes it (#1) bad? For starters, I didn’t laugh at all, not even a smirk or a smile. I couldn’t find one iota of humor in this pile of garbage. I had to keep myself from turning the movie off several times, I don’t know why I didn’t turn it off, maybe for this list, maybe to see if it got any better. The characters in Grown Ups 2 are so incredibly stupid, it’s sad to think that a writer would write characters in this sort of fashion. Nick Swarsdon should never be in a movie again, he’s the least funny thing to happen to comedy since Carrot Top. Throw in some sexism, no script and Taylor Lautner, and you’ve got yourself the worst movie of 2013.
Anything good? Steve Buscemi is in this, they make the poor guy dress up as Flavor Flav, which is… interesting?
Runner Up: I had to turn off “A Good Day to Die Hard” after 20 minutes, because I was so bored, and so uninterested and it was ruining my views on the great, previous installments.
Final Thoughts: As I always say, there may have been worst movies in 2013 than my ten listed above, but I can’t see everything.
You can find my “Top Ten Movies of 2013″ List by clicking here. Reading it might make you feel a little better after reading this article.
Thanks for Reading,
Mitch Burns, The Hollywood Persona
Follow Me on Twitter: Click Here!!! or @Mitchydaily
*I do not own the pictures in this article, they are owned by their respective companies.
*I do not own the pictures in this article, they are owned by their respective companies.