The Worst 

Movies 

of 

2012!

Sorry 2012, for all of your good times, you also had some incredibly bad times! It happens though, I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself 2012! You’re like a beautiful woman with a great personality, a solid ten,  but then you meet her crazy, annoying family (if that makes any sense).

2012 was awesome, you can click here to see The Best Movies of 2012, so many good movies that I had to make my list 20 movies long.

Let’s get this started, and keep in mind this is the worst of 2012 in my opinion. Some movies from 2012 were so blatantly awful, That I didn’t even see them, like the final Twilight movie, This Means War, One for the Money, What to expect When Your Expecting, Gone, Ghost Rider 2, The Oogieloves etc. The upcoming movies are the movies that I saw and that I hated and that disappointed me the most. These movies are (in my opinion) bad movies, but on top of being bad they also disappointed me. That’s right, I am playing the disappointed father here, These are the movies that I went into with an open mind and (occasionally) high expectations and was horribly disappointed.

10. The Lorax

What they did wrong:
Let’s be honest here, I am not The Lorax’s targeted market here, but I should have been! I am the kid that grew up loving The Lorax, I am the kid that had and read everything Dr. Seuss ever wrote, and now I am the man that has grown up to live in a time where global warming, deforestation, and pollution are huge threats to our way of life. The book, Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax, is a love story to the environment, and a warning sign to humans about keeping our environment healthy, all of this deeper meaning and environmental love is lost in the movie version, Hollywood takes over and zany antics and cute animals take over. The environment
becomes second fiddle to a young boy just trying to get laid. P.S, I didn’t need to hear Taylor Swifts voice anymore, Blah!

What they did right:
let’s end this on a good note, The animation is good, Danny Devito is perfect as The Lorax and yes, the animals are cute and funny.

“Dr. Seuss Wouldn’t approve

9. Total Recall

The action is amped up, but the plot and characters took a blow to the head. This is one of those movies remakes where they had everything they could have asked for, the technology and special effects, a great cast and a juicy summer release date, and they just messed it up. They couldn’t pull it off, they needed to stick closer to the original, and they needed to care more about the characters, because what we’re left with is these awesome actors who are so plain that we can’t help but not give a crap about them or their story.

What they did right:
they got the right actors, Colin Farrell deserves to have action star power, and Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Beil are hot and cool, unfortunately they were left hanging, The action was great, that alone will keep most people happy and entertained, but I couldn’t help but seeing through it all.

“Shit Jessica, we’ve found ourselves in a terrible remake!”

8. The Amazing Spiderman

What they did wrong:
Let’s talk about unnecessary remakes! Let’s take Spiderman Sam Raimi’s spiderman and remake with it different actors, and a different bad guy, and make more money off of a movie that was in theatre’s ten years ago! How stupidly frustrating is this? Very!

What they did right:
Oh, they did a lot right, I’ll be the first to admit that, but they made their first mistake when they even gave this movie the green light! To be honest, this was the movie that should have been made 10 years ago, only because this time around they picked way better actors, but that doesn’t warrant a new Spiderman movie being made with the exact same story as the 2002 version!

“Wait, I’m still confused, are you supposed to be Mary Jane or Gwen Stacy? Who cares!”

7. Piranha 3DD

What they did wrong:
2010’s Piranha did something awesome, it gave the monster movie genre new legs (or fins), I loved it! Piranha 3DD became everything that Piranha wasn’t, Piranha 3DD took the monster movie genre back down to the lowest of lows, terrible, terrible acting, completely misplaced comedy, a terribly over the top, implausible storyline and violence and gore that felt miles away from the first, it completely didn’t work and shouldn’t be associated with 2010’s Piranha in anyway.

What they did right:
Not much….

Oh look, it’s that girl who’s in every horror movie!

6. Rock of Ages

What they did wrong:
In a year where musicals were pretty great (Les Mis, Pitch Perfect etc.), Rock of Ages wasn’t so great. I’ve never seen the musical, and I’m sure it’s great, but the movie version is so bland and generically bad that I found myself skipping huge portions and not caring about the characters. In my opinion, Glee could have done better versions of all the songs sung in the movie, and in some cases they have. Rock of Ages was, at times, barf worthy. The two main characters, played by Julianne Hough and Diego Boneta, were so terrible that during a scene where they sing bellow the Hollywood sign, I secretly hoped one of the letters would fall and crush them both.

What they did right:
Tom Cruise wasn’t terrible I guess, Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand were the best part of the whole movie thanks to their comedy chops, but unfortunately their singing leaves something to be desired. The monkey, Hey Man, is pretty cool also.

“Shit Russel, it’s sad that we’re the only good part about this movie”

5. Savages

What they did wrong:
I don’t even know what this movie was supposed to be, I basically had this recurring thought the whole movie “What am I even watching?”
Blake Lively and Taylor Kitsch are terrible, they play the two leads, who are in a three way relationship with one of my upcoming favorites, Kick Ass’ Aaron Johnson, and for the first half hour we watch them smoke pot, that they grow, and have sex. Then they get caught up in a big mess where everyone wants their pot, and then John Travolta’s in it, and Benecio Del Toro is in a movie for the first time in like 20 years, and Salma Hayek is as beautiful as ever but she can’t help this unnecessarily confusing and drab story, I feel like Oliver Stone thought he had something, but he really didn’t.

What they did right:
John Travolta, Salma Hayek and Benicio Del Toro bring their A-game, they really do, I can’t deny that they are all good actors, but they can’t do anything for this story.

“Who cares if this movies any good, at least we all look hot”

4. Dark Shadows

What they did Wrong:
Tim Burton & Johnny Depp, I love you both, with a deep passion, but I think you two need to take a break. Lets branch off and do some new things, let us miss you together! This could have been good, but the humor is so terribly off kilter and the story needed a huge jolt of electricity, it felt incredibly ant-Tim Burton. Tim Burton sold out for this movie, I think he thought he could make a buck off of putting Johnny Depp in a Vampire costume and sell it, all it does is fall incredibly flat.

What they did right:
I love all these actors, Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer and Chloe Moretz are all terrific, but they can’t save this story.

“Okay Tim, for this picture lets pretend we actually have serious discussions about our movies, haha!”

3. The Campaign

 What they did Wrong: 
They took two of the biggest funnymen from the last decade and put them in a movie where every laughable moment is in the trailer, every other moment that could have been funny is ruined, and the story behind all of this is so stupid, illogical and implausible that I couldn’t even shut my brain off enough to enjoy the stupidity of the jokes! I love Will Ferrel, and I love Zach Galifinakis, but this is the worst movie either of them has made. 2012 was an election year, and unfortunately The Campaign stayed out of current politics, making jokes out of nothing. 
What they did right:
Zach Galifinakis and Will Ferrel play two awesome characters right out of an SNL skit, and if they had better jokes to work with they could have been remembered for many years to come. 

“Don’t worry Zach, with both of us in the movie, no one will care how unfunny it is! Trust me!”

2. John Carter

What they did wrong:
I like to read, and from what I’ve heard from friends and the Internet, the book this movie is based on (John Carter of Mars) is really quite good! Unfortunately, it doesn’t transfer to the screen well, at all! The movie has so much wrong with it, I’m surprised it even got made, the characters are boring and it doesn’t help that the acting is bad, the plot is all over the place and the pacing is completely loopy and terrible. As soon as something gets your heart slightly pumping, they slow down everything down, the movie is actually incredibly boring! blah!!!!

What they did right:
The special effects were good, that’s it! The cute little dog like alien thing that follows John Carter around the whole movie is pretty cute as well, it’s the only character worth liking.

“Look John Carter! This Stone is more interesting then our movie… and  Taylor Kitsch” 
1. Battleship

What they did wrong:
First, basing a movie off of a board game is probably a bad bet, but crazier things have been done so I can understand the studio’s willingness to try. Then they kill off True blood’s Alexander Skarsgard, Who plays Taylor Kitsch’s brother, and that made me mad, because Taylor Kitsch is terrible and Alexander Skarsgard is great and deserves to stay alive over Kitsch, Sure they leave Liam Neeson alive but he’s absent for huge gaps at a time. The plot is extremely askew, extremely unbelievable and there is no visible authenticity given to the Navy serving characters. Almost every single actor on board gives terrible a terrible performance, especially Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, and yes, even Rihanna (sorry). The action wasn’t even memorable, the whole movie is just 2 forgettable hours of screeching metal and explosions, it had me begging for a Transformers movie! 
What they did right: 
NOTHING!
Okay, that’s a lie, I laughed quite a bit, but I don’t think I was supposed to be laughing… 

“Yepp, looks like this is the end to both of our acting careers, sorry Ri-Ri, at least we know you can rock Navy Blue and a ball cap”

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